5 Pieces of the Best Dating Advice for Introverts
Is making small talk (or any kind of talk) hard for you? Do you feel shy, awkward or uncomfortable in dating? Most of us do! Here then are five pieces of my best dating advice for introverts. And I can tell you from our experience helping tens of thousands of women in our Love Mentor coaching program, that it really works! We’ve had young women who just started dating, women who have come out of decades-long marriages, women who have been abused, cheated on, you name it. Women who have been introverts their whole lives. Almost all of them have gone from being super self critical, shy, frightened, stilted and mute to being their real selves. They found their voices and their real abilities to walk and talk their talk. And you can too. Even if it feels very hard if not impossible for you right now.
Remember that, “Everyone shines, given the right lighting.” ~Susan Cain
Dating Advice for Introverts Tip #1; Choose an Affirmation for Irresistible Self-Confidence
Let’s get started on a journey to positive self-talk and self-confidence. The first step is to find your own unique expression of confidence—one that tickles you, that you find intriguing, or flat out would simply love to have. How do you develop affirming beliefs that lead to irresistible self-confidence? You start by deliberately making positive statements about yourself in your mind and aloud that are inspiring and nourishing. And you truly allow yourself to play with the process. To be bold and grand, even if you are not feeling it! Just pretend for a moment you can choose who/how you want to be regardless of feeling like an introvert.
Start jotting down ideas. Get the engine going until you feel freer and freer to write down whatever comes to mind. If a statement feels scary, that is good—you are pushing the edges of your growth. If it feels great to think of a particular affirmation, then it is right on target. Putting your attention on a positive belief about yourself is one of the most powerful creative forces at our disposal. With that in mind, some proven examples of confidence-boosting affirmations leverage the conscious awareness of “I am.”
entirely lovable and appealing. fun, funny and irresistible. a beautifully unique child of God. sparkling and radiantly alive. delightful and adorable. charismatic and magnetic. charming and captivating. engaging and enchanting. lovely and fascinating. entirely deserving of miraculous, surprising, lasting love.
Use the above to craft an affirmation that tickles you. Write it down and post it where you will see it every day.
Dating Advice for Introverts Tip #2: Give Yourself an Affirming Diamond Self Nickname
There is a constant play within brain structures that represents your identity. Your brain and its neural networks are that malleable! What this means is that you can train and thereby change your brain’s image of self, including whether you are an introvert or not. You can do this by deliberately adding a picture of a new you, what I call your loving, empowered, beloved Diamond Self, into the constantly changing energy flow of your identity. Which, of course, over time, changes your whole outlook on love and the reality of your dating life. And this is true no matter how much of an introvert you are!
The Diamond Self Exercise
Read each section below and then close your eyes, taking your time to do each step of the exercise.
Remember a time when you felt good about yourself—alive, real, attractive, passionate, talented, connected, loving—lovable. Put yourself in the picture so that you are looking through your own eyes. If you can’t remember a time like this, imagine a scene where you would feel lovable and loving Feel that completely. Imagine yourself better, even better. Imagine yourself five times better. Now take that image and bring it closer to you. Make it brighter, more colorful, clearer. Give it a sound track, a great sound track, magnify all those good feelings—make them stronger. This is your Diamond Self. Give it a name, a grand name. Here are some examples to get you going: Amazing Grace Lovely Linda Vivacious Vixen Deserving Radiant Goddess of Light Saucy Minx Adorable Angel of Joy Beloved Mighty Isis Happy and Fearless Goddess of Unconditional Love Joyful Chosen Magnificent Jewel Sparkling Confident Queen of Love Playful Precious Mesmerizing Lioness Sparkalicious Loving One
Play with any names that come to you for a minute or two. Then say your Diamond Self name to yourself. Write it down and post it in your closet!
How to know if a Diamond Self name is “right” for you
When you think or say it, you will feel excited, happy, even thrilled—but also, perhaps a little scared, embarrassed, ashamed, or silly. This is because you are stretching yourself. Bottom line: a true transformative Diamond Self nickname will call to you. In spite of some uncomfortable reactions, it feels good. And when you think or say it, your new nickname has a fun, joyful quality.
Now that you have your Diamond Self name it is time to go shopping and dress “Lovely Irresistible Dancer,” or whoever has emerged as your unique new you. Pull a new look together by thinking about your sensual, beautiful, and lovable name. Buy lingerie and clothes that are in alignment with your new self and show off the parts of your body that you love. Get a haircut that frames and showcases the beauty in that face you see in the mirror. Find jewelry that symbolizes her radiant, lively, sensual, and loving nature. As you do this Diamond Self work you will feel a lot less introverted and more self-expressed. For more on this, pick up a copy of Love in 90 Days.
Best Dating Advice for Introverts Tip #3: Know that everyone is interesting when they are real!
Here’s a mantra I learned from the brilliant acting teacher Jack Plotnick:
Every person is interesting when they are real.
When you are your authentic self without social facade or pretense, none of your energy is bound up in monitoring yourself and how you are coming off to others. Instead your full energy and attention are available in the moment. You are able to pay attention to the person you are with. You are free to act and speak from your whole self, based on real needs, impulses, and desires. Voilà! Your natural liveliness, inquisitiveness, quirkiness, and funniness emerge. You can still be polite and socially appropriate but in a real way that is grounded in natural feelings of loving connection and compassion. This is true happiness and beauty.
The Velveteen Rabbit
Here’s how Margery Williams describes the Velveteen Rabbit becoming real in her classic allegory:
He was Real…. That night he was almost too happy to sleep, and so much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty.
Being real means you become grounded in knowing that you are beautifully okay just as you are. You regain your basic wisdom, which is grounded in the ability to know what you really want and need. You are free to feel your feelings and be in love with life, just as you were when you were first discovering the world.
Build on that early identity so that you open the beautiful facets of yourself like a well-cut diamond. Just remember: Every person is interesting when they are real.
One of my best pieces of dating advice for introverts is this: Take chances. Be different. Have fun. For example, dance on a table, be silly, sing off-key. Don’t do anything self-destructive, but catch the impulse, follow it, and see what you say or do. Play and let yourself be you. If you break free like this you will fall in love—with yourself—in a way that helps others feel good and free to be real, too.
Tip #4: Put Your Attention Outward
When you’re feeling shy, notice that it’s a sign that your attention is inwardly focused on YOU. You’re focused on something that is “not good” about you right now or on how “bad,” “inadequate” or “unattractive” you think you’re going to be if you say or do something. The key to feel more confident in that moment is to put your attention OUTWARD. For example, focus on something about the other person — like the guy’s great eyes, his beautiful briefcase, or even the meal you’re eating. And then make some juicy comments about that. Such as… “Wow, you have the most amazing eyes.” “I love your shirt, where did you get it?” “This is the most savory, yummy dish.” He will respond positively! And then build from there into more fun and bold flirting.
This is also key when you’re with a guy who is on the shy side. More reserved guys tend to give almost no “go” signals in the beginning. So that makes you feel even more self-conscious. If when you put your attention outward on HIM and make a positive comment about whatever you’re noticing about him, you’re inviting him to relax out of his shyness.
Then you can have a conversation about what you have in common—which will help him to focus outside himself so that he will relax more out of his own shyness. Have you ever noticed how when one person looks toward the sky, other people follow with curiosity? That’s exactly what happens with this move! And you can have lots of fun together!
Tip #5: Try out key flirting moves
Once you have your attention going outward, try some of these great flirting moves. Often when we are introverted the guy we are with assumes that our quietness means we are bored or simply not interested in him! So remember that he’s feeling insecure, just like you! And these flirting moves will help him to relax, become real and have a good time with you!
Make eye contact and smile. While sitting, cross your legs and jiggle your foot in his direction. Touch him lightly on the arm, shoulder or neck. Touch your lips, neck or chest. Play with your hair, clothing or an object. Whisper in his ear. When possible, give him a mini-massage. When you can, laugh at his jokes. Compliment him. Say his name a lot; give him a complimentary nickname. Ask open-ended questions. Ask for help with something. In particular, find out what he likes to eat or what sports, hobbies, or movies he likes. Once you discover something in common, ask him if he’d like to do it some time. When leaving, say you’d like to see him again. Just For You Introverts
Follow my best dating advice for introverts and you will soon be out there being your real, fun, funny glorious self on dates and beyond! For more on overcoming shyness go here.